It’s a Beautiful Day

The sun is shining, it’s 76 degrees, there’s a breeze, & I've found an opportunity to write. I'm sitting here, waiting for a manager to arrive to open the store and pondering whether I should have a major career change into being an Indy Race car Driver. Granted, I really needed the sleep this morning and I drove practically 90 mph to get here on time. Yes, I’m frustrated & angry. I’m doing my best to stay present & enjoy the sound of the birds chirping. Once I get in the store it’s mostly loud pop music. I'm a gal that prefers alternative music, Indie, Reggae, and metal.

So here I sit

Waiting’s always the hardest part of anything.

The longer I wait I feel like a boundary has been crossed. This happens so frequent here. People are late, people are rude, people steal my commissions, people who could afford to buy the whole store want an extra percentage off. The The nerve of some people, huh?

Always pushing boundaries.

A guy calling women sluts is ok now?

A grown man slapping a 14 year old's ass is ok?

A POTUS that’s a bigot and a misogynist is ok now?

Boundaries?

Mine are expansive monoliths that friends of mine I’ve known for 40 years have a treacherous time dealing with.

Some people have no boundaries and don't understand how others have any boundaries at all.

Mine got screwed up at a tender age. I didn't know any better until I got older and then- Bam, up went the fortress saying STAY OUT. I should just have a sign over my head that says. I'm tired of being tired, I'm tired of hurting. Please make it stop.

I remind myself every time I hear a song that reminds me of an awful abusive experience that I’m in a different place now. However, it still takes me back to all of those old feelings.

Old feelings have a way of gumming up the works.

Those feelings of inadequacy, not being smart enough, not being good enough, not being skinny enough, not looking like her, or her, or her. UGH When will it stop? Does it ever stop?

I remind myself to breathe and get my nose out of other people's business on my phone. I'm looking at other people and thinking. How the F did I get here? I'm sitting on a cement sidewalk, I'm mid 40's and I'm waiting for a 20 year old to open the freaking door.

Yes, I need to get up off the cement ground. Crap, I'm stuck. Ok this is a predicament. My brain is screaming in cartoon voices at me: "Woman stuck on the sidewalk!" "Get a forklift!" "Could we pry her up with a shovel?"

Wow, I'm not nice to myself.

Enjoy the sunshine, enjoy the quiet.

She shows up and I smile and ask "You ok?"

She laughs, looks at me and says y"ou look like you could use, a hand."

"Yes, please. That would be most awesome, thanks."

Giggles make way to belly laughs.

Laughter truly is the best medicine.